


Wildfire

by Vasser



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: But also not, Depression, Downward Spiral, Eiji goes slightly mad with grief basically, Grief, Implied Suicide Attempt, Insanity, M/M, Madness, Post-Canon, Self-Destructive Thinking, erratic behaviour, erratic thoughts, implied suicide, intense grief, kind of structured a little like an erratic internal monologue, nonsensical thoughts, self-destructive behaviour, slight madness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:53:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27717077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vasser/pseuds/Vasser
Summary: Loss is cold and empty, and Eiji can feel nothing but that emptiness in his chest where there was once warmth and light named Ash.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Kudos: 28





	Wildfire

**Author's Note:**

> Is it obvious I have depression yet? 😂
> 
> No, seriously though, inspiration struct for this out of... I don't really know where. It's the first time I've attempted to write in a semi-chaotic style where it kind of just portrays thoughts and grief cycling in Eiji's head.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading I guess? I'm sorry I'm constantly sending all of you sad fics 😂
> 
> I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH PLEASE READ THE TAGS FOR WARNINGS THANK YOU VERY MUCH  
> THIS GETS DARK
> 
> ~ Vasser x

He never expected the worst pain he would ever feel in his life to strike him so young. He never really guessed he would love so deeply this young either. Both had happened, however. Eiji Okumura loved Aslan Callenreese with his entire soul, and his heart was in fragments after learning Ash had chosen to bleed to death in a library with Eiji's letter clutched tightly in his hand. 

The worst tragedy was that the beautiful and bold lynx had loved every strong and gentle part of his spirit right back. They had loved one another and it would never come to anything. 

He wasn't sure if he wanted to go on anymore.

Of course, he had a home and a life back in Japan. Ibe had been almost like family to him. America changed the black-haired boy, though. Changed him for the worse. Those ugly parts of the world he had seen by Ash's side did not frighten him; not one little bit. Cruelty could thrive but living light like Ash could still emerge from it. Shine despite it. No, what frightened him was the fact that the cruelty had proved able to douse even the brightest of flames.

The lynx's presence in the world (and in Eiji's life) had been that of a raging wildfire. Deadly; beautiful; uncontrollable. Just like a wildfire everything with Aslan had gotten too intense too quickly, but the Japanese male had not balked from it. He embraced that burning fire and let it warm him to his core. 

However, there was always a price. Nothing escaped a wildfire unscathed. 

Everything Eiji was had been wholly ravaged by the intensity of Ash's character. Before long he had become reliant on the flame of him for light and life. In order to survive he needed the burning presence of the blonde's unique otherness; that feeling that the one beside him was different and special and dazzling, wholly deserving of his heart.

Now that the flames had gone out he felt like his soul was nothing more than the burned husk of a forest. Once mighty, but now just a skeleton of its former form. Merely breathing was difficult knowing that Ash's fire would never thrill him again.

It was wholly irrational. That's what everyone kept trying to tell him. Irrational that a boy he had barely known could ever be so important to him. Eiji wanted to scream in frustration every time they told him this. If they had met him then they would have know why this loss had wrecked everything in him.

The therapist, the doctors, his parents... None of them knew. None of them had ever loved so fiercely and wildly; they had not loved Aslan, the boy forged of light and strength and feeling. 

Everyone was expecting him to finish the grieving process eventually, but how could he? Ash had ruin him for anyone else, no one could ever compare to that raging and heated bond between the lynx and himself.

Remembering Ash was the only thing that could stir any emotion in his chest anymore. Most of the day when he wasn't thinking at all his chest felt like a deep and cold void. Tears often took the words out of his mouth when he even attempted to share anything with Ibe, the only other person in his life who knew Ash and might actually understand. 

If a report that Sing had smuggled to him in Japan was to be believed, Lao had stabbed Ash while his guard had been down. Why had the blonde's guard been down when he had been so careful his entire life? Sing reported that it was because he was rushing to the airport after reading Eiji's letter. If he had made it would he have come to Japan with him?

To bring the blonde's guard down and change his careful behaviour so drastically then the black-haired boy must have had quiet the impact on Ash too. Maybe he had been a wildfire in his own right, burning brighter and brighter until Ash had been too enticed. Maybe he had been too bright for Ash, and getting too close to him was what caused Ash to get burned; to die.

People often say that knowledge is pain; that to know something is to be burdened. They were all naive. Knowledge wasn't pain, it was agony. The knowledge that Eiji had been Ash's biggest weakness twisted his stomach with nausea so strong he felt like his gut was shredding itself to pieces. It made every thought in his head and every mention of Ash's name feel like a knife to his throat, made him feel threatened. 

For all that Ash's uncontrollable flame had kindled Eiji's heart and mind, he had been the one to burn the lynx out in the end. Adding his own fire and love to the mix had changed Ash from a wildfire into an unstoppable destructive inferno. An inferno that could only draw negative attention.

Sometimes people said Eiji had gone mad from this loss. He often muttered about fire and love and broken souls when his mind started to wonder. He wasn't mad, they just couldn't understand. One thing he could agree with, however, was the implication that America had changed him forever. Most in his life saw that as a bad thing, but he knew his eyes had been opened to both true evil and true love. Had Ash not died he would have could back better for it...

The death had happened though, and now there was only one option; live until he too burned out. Live until he could join Ash in the afterlife where their souls could burn together as one entity. An eternal wildfire of love. Unstoppable, unable to be doused. In the next world they could love each other fearlessly forever.

Carrying it out would be difficult with so many watchful and concerned eyes around him, but Eiji wanted to join his brilliant lynx as soon as possible. He wanted to be by that wildfire once more so that he could warm the pit in his chest that had frozen over with grief. Someway, somehow, he would achieve that. 

Hopefully Ash would be waiting wherever he went. It was time to try and burn himself down to ashes as soon as possible.


End file.
